I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
