Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
