my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
