i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
