Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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