you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
