it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
