i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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