smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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