Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
