I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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