He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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