I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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