You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
