I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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