I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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