i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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