Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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