My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I know her cup size but not her name....
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
