dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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