people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Everclear isn't food dammit
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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