My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
