I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
