Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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