That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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