I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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