I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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