I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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