I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
