I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
