i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
