Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
