My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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