rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
