If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
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