the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
