Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
