Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
