its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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