my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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