Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I wear drunk well.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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