when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
