I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
