I'm lost and stupid without you.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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