I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
