but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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