Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
