The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
