Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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