Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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