He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
