nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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