If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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