New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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