1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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