I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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