Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
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i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
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I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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