you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
