Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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