last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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